Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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