Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
