we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
