So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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