I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
