you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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