u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
