if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
