I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
