just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
