He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
