I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
