I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I touched a dick in church today
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