6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
