If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
