I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize