also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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