Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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