she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
