this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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