I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
