I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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