I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
