I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
