I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
