there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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