whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
