Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
