so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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