She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
