I'm jealous of your bromance
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize