dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
