She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
