you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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