Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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