The maid of honor just puked.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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