Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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