He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize