Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize