I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
