my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
