I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
