I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
