You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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