If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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