I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Randomize
