this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
