I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
