Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
