rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
