what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
