every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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