After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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