No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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