Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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