I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize